Flight Fun……

United Flight Attendant announced, ‘People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it! 

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On landing, the stewardess said, ‘Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have. ‘
 

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‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane’

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a ‘Thanks for flying our airline.’ He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

 She said, ‘Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?’ 

‘Why, no, Ma’am,’ said the pilot. ‘What is it?’ 

The little old lady said, ‘Did we land, or were we shot down?’ 

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Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’

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‘As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses….. ….except for that gentleman over there.’

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Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: ‘We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways..’
 

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; ‘Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax…. OH, MY GOD!’
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’
 

A passenger in coach yelled, ‘That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!’
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A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?”

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He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. “

 

Z:  I hope you enjoyed those!  We so need a good laugh from time to time!  I had a flight from San Diego to L.A. years ago….The plane had come through Chicago and picked us up in S.D. on the way to L.A…the flight attendant had apparently had a long day because she made the typical announcement of remaining seated till the plane came to a stop and the lights come on but , as usual, we all started to get up and grab the overheads as soon as the plane landed…..  She screamed “SIT DOWWWWWWNNNN!” so firmly and loudly that everybody on  board suddenly sat meekly down as if we were five year olds.  I still laugh at the image.

Have you ever had a funny travel thing happen to you?

XXX

 

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16 Responses to Flight Fun……

  1. You might remember this (you commented on it) and it’s too long to retell here.
    http://ed-bonderenka.blogspot.com/2014/05/travels-and-travails.html

    Like

  2. bocopro says:

    Did a lotta flyin back in the 60s & 70s. Log helos in the GOT were exciting sometimes, especially when they lowered you onto the fantail of a tin can by sling hoist.

    Strangest flight I had was in 66 when I left a spy ship off the coast of Phu Quoc to fly up to Da Nang for a trip to my next duty station in Subic. Plane was a small, unmarked 2-engine job operated by an Australian contract pilot who generally carried mail and small cargo to remote areas.

    Four of us went out to the plane, where the pilot told us to put our seabags on the deck and lash ourselves in with the bellystraps along the sides of the fuselage. All the seats had been removed so the guy could carry cargo, such as mail bags and such.

    Flew literally at treetop level all the way up the interior. When we got to Da Nang, as we got off the plane the pilot handed each one of us a clipboard with a diagram of the plane’s underbelly. He assigned one section to each of us, saying, “Awrighty, mites. Tike yo’ pencil and mike a li’l cuh-cle anyplice you see a bullet’ole. Y’ moight wanna check yo’ bags, tew. Lit’l bastahds ah gettin good at leadin the tah-get.”

    I think I’d really rather not have known they’d been shootin at me. I mean, what did I ever do to them?

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  3. Bo:
    “Lit’l bastahds ah gettin good at leadin the tah-get.”
    A friend of mine flew gunships. He had engine failure (due to heavy lead contamination) and had to set down in a clearing.
    While waiting for air support and rescue, there was a lot of gunfire coming out of the trees.
    All of it pointed ahead of his now not moving helicopter.

    Like

  4. geeez2014 says:

    Mal emailed me this one and a few more I’ll post below:

    While taxiing at London ‘s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air
    flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came
    nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller
    > lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you
    > going?! Itold you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on
    > Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the
    > difference between C and D, but get it> right!” Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell
    > you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an
    > hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
    > tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”
    > “Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.
    > Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell
    > terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted
    > to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state
    > of mind.
    > Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
    > running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
    > microphone,
    > asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”
    >

    Like

  5. geeez2014 says:

    > > “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
    > “Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make
    > up here?”
    > “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits
    > a 727?”

    Like

  6. geeez2014 says:

    Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock , 6 miles!”
    > Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

    > O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United Eastbound.”
    > United 239: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

    Thanks, Mal! Good additions….!!

    Like

  7. Imp says:

    I always liked this one oldie…

    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
    So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign “Speedbird 206”:

    Speedbird 206: “Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway.”

    Ground: “Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate.”

    The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

    Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

    Speedbird 206: “Stand by a moment, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

    Ground (with arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?”

    Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn’t stop.”

    Like

  8. bocopro says:

    Many of the reports of mishaps in military aircraft over the last 75 years or so have been exaggerated, embellished, and embarrassing.

    Anybody who’s spent a lotta time around former military pilots, especially Navy fighter pilots (who are clearly insane and consider themselves not only immortal but really quite special) have heard some far-out stories, about half of which you gotta take with a grain of salt.

    One of my all-time favorites is this one:

    A military aircraft had gear problems on landing, and as the plane was skidding down the tarmac the tower controller asked if they needed assistance.

    From the plane came a laconic southern voice:
    Dunno – we ain’t done crashin’ yet.

    Like

  9. geeez2014 says:

    Imp…like that one, too.
    Boco; really good.

    There’s a terrific joke about a French airport…and I can’t remember it..if I do, I’ll come back.

    Another fave is Lufthansa….
    They’re flying and they hear something, so the pilot gets on and tells them not to worry.
    This happens 3 or 4 times, until he finally asks those passengers who know how to swim to get on the left side of the plane and the non swimmers on the right…

    Finally, after much more turbulence, some really bad shaking, he gets on and says “Ladies and Gentlemen, Those of you on the left who know how to swim, get out and swim like crazy, those on the right who don’t know how to swim…THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA!”

    Isn’t quite so funny in writing 🙂

    Like

  10. geeez2014 says:

    this cracks me up, too!

    Like

  11. Bob says:

    Z and all: Those are some great stories, some of which I have heard, but they still crack me up. My experiences in flying are somewhat tame compared to those. After all, who would get excited about an Airbus hurtling down the runway at Atlanta’s Hartsfield Airport taking off, when about halfway down the runway the pilot puts on the brakes, throwing everybody forward into their seatbelts, and scaring the crap out of everybody. The Eastern pilot later explained that an alarm light had come on warning of an open luggage compartment door. Back to the departure gate we went for inspection. It was a false alarm?

    Then there’s the time I was at the Cape Giradeau Airport in Missouri waiting on a puddle-jumper flight to get to Memphis. While waiting, the ground people got an emergency call that a helicopter was on the way to land because the rear rotor stopped rotoring. Without the rear rotor working, the pilot could not land the helicopter safely.

    We all watched for about 45 minutes as the helicopter pilot flew in circles while the pilot burned-off extra fuel. As the time came close for the crash landing, the pilot flew the ‘copter up and down the runway at a low altitude until he felt OK to drop the misbehaving machine on the ground. When he hit, there were some enormous “bangs”, and before the dust had started to settle, you could see the pilot running away from the wreck. I don’t think I will ever fly on a helicopter because of that experience.

    Then there was the time on a Delta L-1011 coming into the Atlanta airport in fog. When we broke through the overcast we were less than 1000 feet from the surface, and the runway was NOT in front of the plane, It was off to the left, somewhere. Of course, the crew took the plane up and around for another approach. I got sober real quick.

    My flying experiences are boring compared to most of those commenting here, today. I am glad my traveling and flying experiences are boring, and my flying days are over.

    Like

  12. That’s not tame, Bob.

    Like

  13. Baysider says:

    My boss was in Korea, flying some kind of propeller plane to Japan for R&R. I think it had 4 propellers. He looked out the window mid-flight and noticed one of the propellers was not propelling — and casually mentioned it. “Hey, look at that!” He knew the plane could fly on 3 and thought little of it. Another GI, however, went ballistic and in panic rushed the door (yes THE DOOR) to get out of there. It took 4 guys to hold him down. On its later return flight to Korea the plane crashed.

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  14. bocopro says:

    My very first time up was in 1957 or 58, a tiny little private plane a local businessman kept out in a hayfield with a tarp over it. Little town had no airport. From time to time he’d take 2 kids up with him so they could see what things looked like from up above. Usually a reward for some achievement.

    Fun, novel, but not particularly inspiring to me. Not a whole lot to see from above Boone County Indiana.

    Then in the late 50s, I joined the Navy to fulfill my military obligation so I didn’t have to listen to employers ask if I were draft eligible. Flew to SDiego, uneventfully. Slept most of the way, mostly ’cause it was mostly nighttime.

    Went to sea for a while, then school, then to Cubi Point in the Philippines where I was around Navy planes all day long. Noisy. Have had tinnitis ever since. Flew back across the Pacific after that duty for another school, then back to Subic to catch my new ship.

    After that exciting ride from Phu Quoc to DaNang and over to Clark, the fun really started. First, back to SoCal for still another school. Then back to Subic where I found myself flying CODs regularly out of there to the Gulf of Tonkin as a tech rep on the system I’d just learned.

    Once I’d get to a carrier, everybody in the Gulf got the word that a tech was available, so I got helo’d all over the place to small boys to help them straighten out various problems, some of which I wasn’t even qualified to work on, but over time got good at out of necessity.

    In all, I had 7 arrests and 9 cats, or vice versa (can’t remember which), each of which scared the hell outta me. No way I can remember how many log helo flights.

    Then I got my commission, so back across the Pacific and over to Rhode Island for knife-and-fork school. Rode my ship around and through the canal to Long Beach, where I got training as the LSO for the cruiser I was on. In 3 years aboard that ship I directed 212 helo landings/sling transfers, all of which scared the hell outta me. Took the net only twice, tho.

    Long story short, flew back from the P.I. with the family in 72. Flew across the Atlantic 3 times and finally ended my career in Pearl Harbor. Lotta flight time, one trip of which was in a $#!@&*# DC3 from Clark to L.A. If you ever get an opportunity to ride one of those things, anywhere for more than half an hour or so, respectfully decline. Trust me.

    Anyway, sent the family ahead and flew over from Hono to L.A. to get my car, which I’d shipped earlier. As I drove it out of the impound lot on my way to join my family, I was struck by some kind of premonition of great power and clarity: The Next Time You Fly In An Airplane, You Will Die.

    Now, I’m educated sufficiently to realize that that’s an irrational fear, but since that time — June 1984 — I’ve found no cause to get anywhere near a plane of any sort.

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  15. Kid says:

    Such good stuff. Well, all I can say is I had three truly horrible flights into Newark. They all took me to Newark.

    I was on a 737 once and in the process of landing there was sufficient side to side turblance that the back of the plane (where I was) was literally being slung left and right 20 feet at least left and right very vigorously. It was like King Kong had a hold of the thing and was playing with it. A little scary. I knew the plane was strong but it was worrisome.

    Then once into Greesboro, NC in a 20 passenger commuter thing, there was a lot fog and we tried landing 3 times, engines at or near idle, drifting down down down, until suddenly Engines at full and back up we go. Then, the stewardess comes out (who looked 30 years too old to be a stewardess and who would make for a good Twilight Zone casting) and tells us not to worry, as we have enough fuel to get to Charlotte if worse comes to worse, but those silent decents were pretty unnerving. we ended up landing on the 4th attempt.

    Then the time, my first flight, and long story really short, I have a 357 mag in my carry on with ammo, and they let me take it but have it put in the pilots closet up front. It was a really empty flight, and one of the really good looking stewardesses sat on the armrest of the seat in front of me and talked to me the entire flight. I thought, Wow, this is flying stuff is great ! That never happened again.

    I did a lot of flying in a 10 year period and will be happy if I never fly again.

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  16. Bob says:

    bocopro: That’s a great story. My brother spent 35 years in the Navy, and said he loved every minute of it. He retired from the Navy in the early 1970’s and went from there to seminary in California. I don’t remember which one. He served as the Director of the San Diego Service Men’s Center for a number of years, and is currently retired and living in East Tennessee. He is still all about the Navy.

    BTW, he started as an enlisted man, and wound up going to OCS. I remember when he went to school Rhode Island. He was a supply officer in his career.

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