Healthy and Laughing

THESE MADE ME LAUGH, I HOPE THEY DO YOU, TOO!

How to maintain a healthy level of insanity in retirement:

  1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down
  2. On all your check stubs, write “For Sexual Favors”
  3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get
  4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat
  5. Sing along at the opera
  6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream ‘I won! I won!”
  7. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling “Run for your lives!  They’re loose!”
  8. Tell your children over dinner, “due to the economy, we’re going to have to let one of you go”
  9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is”

Got a 10th or 11th?  🙂  Happy Saturday!

Z

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48 Responses to Healthy and Laughing

  1. Sparky says:

    For #7 add: “Jurassic Park wasn’t just a movie!” *lol*

  2. I remember leaving Lord of the Rings with some friends and walking past the line to get in.
    I turned to my friends and said out loud, “I can’t believe they all died!”.
    The incoming line looked horrified, and then realized they’d been had and started laughing.
    I’ve done that at a number of movies since.
    Same result.

  3. cube says:

    Ed, you’re evil, but in a funny way.

    Z, I’m a huge fan of humor and these were definitely chuckle-worthy.

  4. jerrydablade says:

    I’ve always liked this one: Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. Thanks for the smiles!

  5. geeez2014 says:

    Ed, I had a friend who was standing in a movie line with her boyfriend, very crowded, and she said loudly “KISS you!? I don’t even KNOW YOU!” 🙂
    I like your gag.

    Sparky..absolutely!

    Cube, glad you laughed, too!!

  6. Mal says:

    I’d seen these before, and still laugh every time. #6 reminds me of something I do often here in Vegas. When paying at a check stand, like the market, etc., I look at my wallet and say I need to go to the casino and get more money, which usually gets a laugh, then I mention I found a machine that always pays off, its called an ATM, but please don’t tell anyone ’cause I don’t want the casino to catch on. It always gets a lot of laughs.

  7. geeez2014 says:

    Mal, THAT ISSS FUNNY!!! I remember your sis Gloria being so funny, too, and she LOVED to laugh at my Dad’s jokes! 🙂 Oh, what a great bunch of couples/friends my folks had….and I was privileged to have grown up calling the closer friend couples “Auntie and Uncle…” tho they weren’t. Loved them SO much!

  8. Kid says:

    Humor is always welcome.

    Got a 10th or 11th? I’d rather have a 5th.

  9. Mal says:

    Z, you think I’m funny, but looks aren’t everything! ;o)

  10. geeez2014 says:

    https://www.yahoo.com/celebrity/won-t-apologize-toby-keith-151249013.html

    He should apologize for performing at the inauguration? What’s this country coming to?
    This is NOT so funny!!

    Mal, I just emailed you…I spoke to Gloria today; great chat! And I do NOT think you’re funny LOOKING 😉

    Kid…for a minute I thought you meant #5 above, but I’ll bet you can’t count on your fingers the number of times you’ve been to an opera OR the times you’ve drunk a FIFTH 🙂

  11. Kid says:

    You’d be right Z.

    And yes, the left is going to show us just how sick, disgusting, mentally diseased, violent, and intolerant they are.

  12. Bob says:

    As you are leaving the dressing room at your favorite department store, tell the attendant, loudly, that they are out of toilet paper.

  13. Bob for the win….but that may be because I have a rude sense of humor….

  14. geeez2014 says:

    Bob, that’s the last one on that list and I found it a little disgusting so I deleted it…seriously! HAA!! But, yes, that’s ONE 🙂

    CI, I guess so! I guess I should have left it ON the list !!

    Kid, they’re always in the throes of doing that, aren’t they..disgusting.

  15. Imp says:

    “that may be because I have a rude sense of humor….”

    I was worried..I didn’t think you had one. 🙂

  16. Imp says:

    “Viagra just like Disneyland ……One hour wait for 2-minute ride.”…

  17. bunkerville says:

    When leaving a name when making a reservation use the name Trump..

  18. geeez2014 says:

    Bunk!! loooove it!

    Imp….ha!

  19. geeez2014 says:

    https://www.yahoo.com/news/trump-blasts-black-congressman-said-not-legitimate-president-181524549.html

    Decidedly NOT funny is Trump taking off on John Lewis ….I TOTALLY don’t admire Lewis, I don’t believe being beaten for marching in a Civil Rights march is something which makes him a hero, but I DO respect his having been highly involved in the civil rights days.

    But for Trump to have to Tweeter stupidities again just IRKS ME….if he’d JUST stay calm and dignified…he can be as darned MEAN and factual as he wants but don’t call people names, get it RIGHT before you blab, and be DIGNIFIED. Here’s the response I’d have given had I been Trump:

    “Mr Lewis has called me an illegitimate president-elect and I don’t understand how someone with his background and experience could not understand our own government and how it works. I am proud to have won the election and am dismayed by Mr. Lewis’ comments. I hope to work with him instead of having been insulted by him and offer an outstretched hand toward that goal. Perhaps we can help with his district which needs help so much.”

    Ya, that’s WAY more than the Twitter 140 characters but….he can respond without Twitter..OR , if he HAS to Tweet, say “Mr. Lewis, I am offering a hand to you and your district. Better to work together than insult.” And, by the way, Mr. Lewis…you can go to Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire *

    * My Fair Lady!!

  20. Imp says:

    I made a lengthy comment here…and it went…poof…right to the CIA I guess…..CI was that you?

  21. Imp says:

    This is Lewis’ and Sharpton’s mantra in a nutshell.

    To be black was to have an eternal claim against whites, for no other reason than that they’re white.

    Wait until we have a non racist AG…like Jeff Sessions…won’t that be nice?

  22. geeez2014 says:

    Imp, I looked to see about the lengthy comment…nothing in my ‘background’ site stuff. Did you really do that, or…………..:-)

    Yes, it’ll be REALLY nice not to have a racist AG…and, of course, many Dems will always find HIM racist but those tweaking laws to support Black causes AREN’T?? To see those 45 or so members of the Black Caucus behind Cedric Richardson and John Lewis was horrifying..

    Imp, did you hear that LA’s Cedric Richmond said the senate hearing was racist because they didn’t have Lewis on FIRST? “a man with his background….this was like forcing him to sit in the back of the bus again”.
    http://www.cnn.com/2017/01/11/politics/black-lawmakers-sessions-hearing/
    After having read it, I SORT OF see his point (read it and you’ll see some background on that), but it’s ridiculous to suggest this is such an insult as sitting in the back of the bus…using racist terminology on the Left NEVER EVER stops.

  23. Imp says:

    Z…no…I wrote a scathing piece on the old racist lewis. I don’t give one damn for any of them any longer…anything they say or whine about. All I know is that 70% of the planet would rather be here instead of there…and would gladly take 1/10 of what the poor “oppressed” Lewis’s of today have.

  24. Kid says:

    IMP, When I do long comments, more than a couple lines, I always copy to clipboard with Control A, and Control C. Not to insult your intelligence….. thought commenting it may have some value.

  25. Kid says:

    So, let me put it this way to Everyone here…. Who is your favorite black caucus House or Senate member?
    🙂

  26. Imp says:

    Control A and Control C…I had no idea…LMAO. Thanks for the tip…Cat man… 🙂

  27. Kid says:

    PS – I believe we will have the best Cabinet in the History of the United States !!!!

    IMP, Have you been to my cat man blog lately ?

  28. Kid says:

    IMP, Yea, I’ve been screwed too many times with long comments going the way of the somali pirate hijacker.

  29. Imp says:

    Kid..yea….hence the Cat Man comment. I’m still sneezing too. And my eyes are watering.

  30. geeez2014 says:

    I didn’t realize long comments might not print, other than if they have too many links, etc. I was hoping the comment was saved somewhere, I’ll get some for ‘approval,’ but it was nowhere…
    I’m surprised that, lately, the comments I write can be MUCH longer than they were…I used to have to break them up….not lately.

  31. Imp says:

    I got it…’Diamond and Silk’ to replace the lice walking in and out of the WH…like Sharpless’ 57 meetings.

  32. Imp says:

    It’s OK…Z….it really wasn’t that long. No Problem. It’s probably best….wasn’t my prettiest comment anyway.

  33. Kid says:

    IMP, I’m happy that you were so touched.

    Z, No idea about character count, but if a comment is submitted with more than 2 links in wordpress it will always go to your moderation.

  34. Imp says:

    Lewis…I have to post this again as a reminder to the bigoted fart…

    There are several conundrums we face as American voters.

    America is capitalistic and greedy, yet half of our population is subsidized.

    Half the population is subsidized yet they think they are victims.

    They think they are victims, yet their representatives run the government.

    Their representatives run the government, yet the poor keep getting poorer.

    The poor keep getting poorer, yet they have the things that other people only dream about.

    They have things that people in other countries only dream about, yet they want America to be like those other countries. Think about it. Who’s in charge?

  35. I’m sorry, that was a response to Kid.

  36. Kid says:

    Ed, Interesting. But I must ask that answers be restricted to members of the current Congress.

  37. Imp says:

    WOW! Clinton Global Initiative Is Shutting Down – Will Fire 22 Employees!…

    http://americanlookout.com/wow-clinton-global-initiative-is-shutting-down-will-fire-22-employees/

  38. Kid says:

    IMP, You realize, this is a tactic of the left to maintain that the trump White House (so glad to capitialize that agian) is causing negative job growth.

  39. geeez2014 says:

    Imp emailed me that John Lewis was a member of the Communist Party in the Sixties and a LOT more stuff like that….their HERO (man)

  40. Kid says:

    Trump is right. He won the election. That isn’t going to change so take what you have and use it to improve your district Mr Lewis. And why didn’t your black district improve under the first
    ‘black president’ obama? Good God, it’s like shooting dead fish in a barrel. Do they HEAR themselves…..

    So, who is YOUR favorite member of the ‘black caucus’ and why?

  41. geeez2014 says:

    Favorite member of the Black Caucus? Ummmmmmm Oh, I know…wait………no……..um…wait…oh, no….hmmmmmmmmmm let me think.

    I still think this retort of mine for Trump would have been classy, direct, insulting and not open to the media’s lust for how AWFUL Trump’s tweets are (and they'[re usually right);

    “Mr. Lewis, I am offering a hand to you and your district. Better to work together than insult.”

  42. Kid says:

    Z, I hear you. I as a person of my age agree 100% with you. What I’m wondering is does that speak to the people of today – the millenials – the generation X, the under 50 crowd. It could very well be that going hard after buttheads like Lewis is what speaks to today’s majority. Afterall, Mr Trump got elected bsing an ass right?
    So……… I’m for whatever works to keep the majority on board. If it is in your face tweets, the so be it. I don’t see them that hard though really. I’m following Trump on twitter and I don’t see his tweets as being that hard.

    here is what he said to Lewis, direct from twitter:

    “Congressman John Lewis should spend more time on fixing and helping his district, which is in horrible shape and falling apart (not to……
    mention crime infested) rather than falsely complaining about the election results. All talk, talk, talk – no action or results. Sad!
    Congressman John Lewis should finally focus on the burning and crime infested inner-cities of the U.S. I can use all the help I can get!”

    I don’t see that and cringe. We’re not in the age of JFK any more. Serious problems, serious enemies, the biggest of which are democrats. I’m Ok for now calling them out. I don’t see playing nicey nice as being the best strategy. It could be seen as legitimizing their way over the top anti-American constant spew. They hurt one of yours, you kill 10 of theirs.

  43. Kid says:

    I hope that we can someday get back to being classy. I don’t see it from what I see on the net.

  44. Kid says:

    GW Bush tried playing Nicey Nice with the democrats. Didn’t work. They ate him for lunch.

  45. geeez2014 says:

    Kid, ya, that Tweet isn’t SO bad…the Left’s using “No action”…they’re saying “NO ACTION” WHEN HE WAS BEATEN IN THE CIVIL RIGHTS MARCHES!?
    That,I did see, was BS because Trump so clearly is talking about NOW and in Lewis’ district…not then.

    I hope you’re right about younger people and tough tweets from Trump….I just see some of his give SUCH fodder to the media.. When he writes “SAD!” etc., it’s so childish,….

  46. Yes Z, I thought the same, that some of those closing phrases in his tweets sound childish.
    “Not fair!” like anything is.

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